90 Day Fiancé - Touchdown!

Well, to be frank, this week's 90 Day Fiancé  was a bit of a snooze fest. We were given a taste of what these foreign fiancés are going through as they try to fill their time home all day (when they aren't crying and face timing their parents). This season, following six couples rather than the four last season, definitely jumps around a lot more. Evelin and Justin weren't included, so I am assuming she's stuck doing all of their dishes as Jason watches TV and hides her from other people he knows.

Danielle and Mohammed
The episode starts off with Danielle bringing her three teenage daughters to what looks like a David's Bridal to try on wedding dresses. Her daughters, normal teens who are watching their mother shop, are SUPER harsh. "That one reminds me of Shrek." Ouch. Finally they find a dress that all of them agree on (I also liked the light blue belt, in case you care, Danielle), only to find out that it's almost $250 more than her $500 budget. How we, the viewers, know Danielle's budget while the sales associates at David's Bridal aren't aware of it is beyond me. I've shopped there with friends, and the budget is addressed first thing. They know that can't upsell most ladies 50% more, so I'm pretty curious on the backstory here.

Meanwhile, Mohammed wanders around Norwalk, OH, which the B roll shows as a farm with a large silo. Danielle does have a job after all, so he is left to himself for the day. Mohammed ends up in a park where a bunch of guys playing football say they need another guy to play. There is no doubt in my mind that these guys are being paid by TLC. It's the middle of a workday, and the guys both have time to explain the rules of football to a stranger and then bring him to a bar to be hit on by an unsavory and forward woman (who also happens to be on TLC's payroll). He tells us he doesn't like to flirt, but he doesn't seem to mind too much in the moment. Mohammed and Danielle aren't together at all basically the entire episode, and I'm not really sure what the point of all of this screen time was.
Celebrity marriage estiguess: Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher (6 years)

Cassia and Jason
We find Jason arriving at the Rio airport, wondering if Cassia is going to meet him or not. To TLC's credit, they don't play up the waiting and wondering in an airport suspense angle at all, and Cassia is there. As far as I can tell, Jason flew to Rio just to fly straight back to Florida with Cassia, since we don't see her family or anything. Cassia's hair is two different colors, and every time she is on screen, I'm debating if she decided to grow out her roots two years ago, or if she got two-tone hair on purpose. The jury is still out on this one.

They arrive at his house, where Jason's dad has arranged for a little welcome gathering. At first this seems really nice, until he tells us that since he knows Cassia is afraid of clowns, he got his friend to dress up in full clown costume. Unfortunately, she doesn't freak out. Like I said--snooze fest. This is also the first time Cassia realizes she is engaged to a hoarder. The pool we watched them clean last episode still resembles lime jello, and when Cassia comments on the flooring of the house we're supposed to find her unreasonable, but I just can't. I wouldn't want to live in that squalor either. To celebrate their new life together in America, Jason brings her to a salad bar. "Why people do it, I don't understand," she says. Me neither, Cassia. Over their dinner of iceberg lettuce and imitation bacon bits, Cassia asks Jason if he's thought about what would happen if this doesn't work out. "Nothing last forever," she tells the camera. Not a great start to their 90 days.
Celebrity marriage estiguess: Britney Spears and Jason Alexander (55 hours)

Amy and Danny

Once again, Amy and Danny are surrounded by other people. They go to a friend's barn to see if it would be an acceptable wedding venue. There are actual chickens inside, and any wedding held their would smell like manure. They both love it. One of the people showing them the barn (maybe Danny's brother? unclear), suggests they have a special draped off area where they consummate the marriage. How so many strangers comment in group settings about their virginity makes me feel super weird, so I can only guess how Amy feels. Then they go to the pastor's house for marriage counselling, where Danny is reminded that his bride-to-be moved across the world for him, so maybe he should see her without his entire posse from time to time.
Celebrity marriage estiguess: Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick (still going strong--what can I say, I believe in these two love birds!)

 

Chelsea and Yamir

Chelsea and Yamir fly into the U.S., where her parents are waiting for them. Yamir still doesn't speak English. Chelsea's parents don't speak Spanish. Back in Galesburg, he gets a tour of the house and sees that he'll get to live in the basement, which looks pretty nice.Yamir hasn't ever been in a basement, or seen a fireplace. He seems genuinely excited. At dinner, talking about the future with the 'rents, Mom suggests that Yamir get a job at a meat packing plant, "which hires a lot of Latinos." Deep swell of music from the show, but seriously, Yamir's face doesn't change at all, so I don't think he understands. Whenever his music career is mentioned, they show Yamir's music video, where his hair resembles Benji, the dog of our childhood. A job at the meat packing plant seems like a better option than his music career from that standpoint. Later, Yamir and Chelsea go to an open mic night where everyone plays rockabilly music. Chelsea wants Yamir to perform, Yamir knows it's not his crowd. They talk a lot about pizza, and nothing really happens.
Celebrity marriage estiguess: Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas (18 years)

Daya and Brett

The only real fun of this episode (by which I mean uncomfortable conflict looming) comes with Brett and Daya. Brett's mom is really worried that Daya is a gold digger. Since Brett lives in a house with roommates, where he shares a bed with both his wife-to-be and his young child, regardless of the authenticity of her diamond, there's not much gold to be dug. During this conversation, Brett is wearing a Jesus-themed Ed Hardy shirt, with giant crucifixes on it. The rest of their airtime is spent at a shady jewelry store (large "Cash 4 Gold" sign in the window). I cringe for Brett when he explains that his fiancé thinks he is a cheapskate liar. However, he says to the camera several times that he is nervous about what is going to happen, so I'm wondering if maybe the ring is from eBay? Daya tries says it isn't that she cares about the ring--it's more about Brett's reputation. No one believes her, especially Brett. Anyway, the jeweler looks through the microscope, pronounces the diamond real, and the upbeat music swells, as if all is right in the world. But then right outside, Daya still says she wants a new diamond. Ahhh love.
Celebrity marriage estiguess: Anna Nicole Smith and J. Howard Marshall (13 months)

Coming up next week...
Danielle cries.
Justin's mom tells us why everyone was surprised by his engagement to Evelin. (spoiler: because it was a surprise)
Chelsea and Yamir are shocked band members can be replaced, as if they didn't grow up with Destiny's Child.