90 Day Fiancé - Fears, Family, Future

I should start off by admitting that this episode made me cry. I haven't hidden my love for Amy and Danny (mostly Amy, really), and getting to see her with her mom from South Africa was so heartwarming. When her mom cried, I cried.

This week we get no info about Mohammed and Danielle. This is crazy! What are the producers thinking? It seems to me that if you can't fit all of the couples into every episode, then you probably have too many. Next season, they should stick with five couples max. Just make more seasons of the show. Then everyone, but especially me, is happy!

Daya and Brett

Daya, the world's coldest woman, is being left alone with small child, Cassidy, for the first time. They all keep saying "instamom" over and over as if this is a real thing. While she is being watched, Cassidy locks Daya out of the house. I can confirm that when I was a kid, we did this to family members daily. It IS just a game, and Cassidy DOES think it's funny. At most, this should be an annoyance. Calling her bratty won't help, but that is what Daya does. She seems to be super sensitive and thinks that Cassidy is actually an adult. Later Daya tells Brett that he doesn't discipline her enough. Brett, since he gets his daughter only on summer vacation, seems to think that he should just be the "fun dad." He reminds me of when I was a summer camp counselor, and parents would inexplicably send their kids to camp without their ADD meds. Setting children up for failure doesn't help anyone, and it sounds like Brett does need to help set boundaries. However, accusing him of not being a man isn't helping, Daya. It takes a full 20 days for Daya to realize she needs to be understanding with Cassidy. Now they seem fine, which happened really fast, and makes everything look manufactured. (Because it probably was.)

 

Cassia and Jason
Cassia has been in Florida about a month. He says it's been "rocky," and needs to propose officially. Because, as any married couple can tell you, getting married will solve all of your relationship problems. As Jason tells his dad, RON, about his proposal plans, Ron doesn't seem enthused. He keeps grimacing, as if in pain. This may be because while the rest of the house is up and dressed, Cassia is still totally asleep in bed. (To be fair though, they essentially live in a Florida retirement community, and it could be 7 a.m. for all we know.) Jason isn't sure if she will even say yes. He says that he only has 5% doubt, but it seems like much more than that. Ugh that EL Camino they drive around in. SO ugly! When he points out the shark tank, where he is planning to propose, he says about the shark, "He'll bite you. He won't let go, and he'll kill you." hopefully this isn't foreshadowing for their marriage! He proposes, she says yes. All these weird people clap. First time Cassia has looked super happy all season (except maybe in the bikini shop).
P.S. We see that someone finally cleaned their pool.

Amy and Danny

It's the Bachelorette weekend with Danny's sisters, which is really nice of them. They rented a house for the weekend, and seem totally committed to making Amy feel like part of the family. They play the Newly wed game, and since Amy doesn't know any of the answers, she has to chew more and more gum, which is a funny twist I hadn't seen. Then, since Amy likes sunsets (who dislikes them?) they have a dinner table set up in a field and host a lingerie shower under the sunset. Amy cries, and frankly, she should. This is totally different than the constant haranguing from Nick (Danny's brother) about her virginity. They all seem to have waited for marriage too, and try to make her feel less nervous about the wedding night. Amy's mom arrives in town. She seems happy for Amy but sad that she fell in love with an American, taking her far from home. It's so sad watching her mom worry that her daughter might have to deal with such ugly racism within her own family. They go dress shopping with Danny's older sister and her mom cries, both because of Amy's beauty and her worries. Amy's love of dresses with pockets make me love her even more.

 

 

Chelsea and Yamir

It's not that Chelsea and Yamir don't seem in love. They really do. It's more that they are incredibly clueless about everything, so I just can't believe it can work out for them. Yamir has a music meeting in Chicago, which he goes to in a pair of man capris and a leather jacket. To communicate in the meeting he needs to speak in English, but he switches midway though and starts speaking in Spanish, and the music people have no idea what he is saying. To Yamir's credit, these people seem legit. TLC sets this up as if it is an opportunity for Yamir to be signed, but it really is more like an informational interview. We hear Yamir sing for the first time. I wasn't super into it, but the music people seem to like him, and they say, you should move to Chicago. (DUH!) He is worried Chelsea won't move from Galesburg to Chicago, even though he just moved from Nicaragua for her. Chelsea's stupid hat is way too small for her head and makes it impossible to listen to her talk without hating her. Chelsea doesn't want to move out from her parent's house, and she weirdly thinks they should settle in Galesburg before making a decision to move to another city. Seems to me when neither of them have jobs or real ties, that's the exact right time to try to make a move. Also, with a hat like that, Chelsea can't possibly fit in in Galesburg.

 

 

Evelin and Justin

Justin and Evelin are preparing for dinner with Jake (bro) and Jennifer (sis-in-law). As part of this, Justin talks lots of shit about Jen. Evelin is trying to be nice, but instead of trying to get to know her normally, they keep asking a bunch of yes or no questions (do you have kids now? did you live with your parents?). Justin says they are going to elope (which isn't actually what Evelin wants). His family is hurt and they warn him that their mom should be at the wedding. To their credit, Jake and Jen can tell that Justin is the driving force behind all of this elopement talk.


Coming up next week...

Danielle has even more money issues.

Danny wasn't kidding about his racist dad.

Evelin looks beautiful in all wedding dresses.

90 Day Fiancé - Mo' Money, Mo' Problems

Apologies for this being a week late. I was out of the country, meeting potential fiancés to bring back to this great country of ours.* The first thing I did upon returning home was catch up, though. So let's get right to it.

This week's show couldn't be less correctly titled. Almost all of these couples have little to no money (the big exception being maybe Justin and Evelin, but that isn't clear one way or another), and many many problems. I would love to know what they get out of the show. I assume there is compensation of some sort or the other. Or maybe TLC just knows a guy in the immigration office and their visas get fast tracked? I'd previously assumed that TLC paid for everyone to come over, but then there was the whole thing about Danielle spending her last money bringing Mohammed over, so now I just don't have any guesses on how this works. Any thoughts out there?

Curiously missing from this episode are Daya and Brett. I say this because someone with roommates, a fiancée and a child all living in one house probably has their fair share of money issues going on, as well. Looks like we'll have some fun drama from them next week, but I sorely missed Daya, her bad attitude and her unrealistic expectations of children.

Danielle and Mohammed

In case it needs to be stated, Mohammed is not into Danielle for her money. He knew coming into this that she had a brood of children to support, and since he met her and saw her clothes before coming to America, I don't think he was under any false impressions of riches. If Mohammed isn't in this for love (and I still don't think he is), he was also never in it for money. Sadly for Mohammed, Danielle has deeper financial woes than she was honest about. We are treated to more wedding planning from these two. It seems like they have a bunch of wedding planning meetings, and then don't actually plan anything. We get to meeting Danielle's sister for the first time, who thinks this is a terrible idea and seems genuinely worried about her sister's basic survival.

 

Then they talk about the budget, and Danielle tells us that she is planning to spend more on her wedding dress than on food at her reception. (Please pour one out for these wedding guests, as the spectacle alone isn't going to be worth it. Danielle, I truly believed you were better than this.) Her sister makes it clear that Danielle doesn't have ANY money, for the dress or for food, and sets up a specific dinner to confront her about it. Then we learn that Danielle's cell phone service has been cut off. And it turns out Mohammed didn't know about any of these issues. It sounds like there are a decent number of services that are in danger of being cut off for their household, and Mohammed is justifiably upset that he left everything to come over to another country completely in the dark. Who would want to come to a new country to work off someone else's debt while sleeping on their couch?! The sister even says it sounds like Mohammed might need to get three or four jobs to work everything off. Mohammed speaks about this VERY reasonably and honestly, it's really sweet, but I can't help but worrying that he will become an indentured servant. It sounds like if he is in this for a green card, then he needs to talk Danielle out of the wedding so she can pay the fee that goes along with the application instead.

Shelf Life: can of dented Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup (lasts a long time, but is it actually still good?)

 

Cassia and Jason
The episode begins with Jason taking Cassia to "check out the action in Spring Hill, FL." They happen upon a Brazilian bikini store, where Cassia finds a super hot bikini, and Jason seems genuinely concerned that her hotness will give one of the elderly residents a heart attack. Then Cassia and the store clerk force Jason to try on a small man swimsuit, which he obviously feels uncomfortable in. Cassia critiques Jason's bod in the man-kini. Not cool, Cassia!

 

Later, Jason and his dad, who we learn  are not only hoarders - they also sell their garbage online, are going to an estate sale. Cassia doesn't like that Jason works for 2 hours in a day. She DOES like eyeliner, though (I still find her appearance very distracting). Somehow, she ends up looking through a GIANT stack of old magazines and finds a nudie. She gets really pissed, and goes snooping through the whole house. To be fair, I'd probably do this regardless of if I saw a naked magazine, just out of curiosity. While she is confronting Jason about this, he says he is going to sell them online, and "don't bend it; that's worth $10." Bad thing to say to your fiancée who has an issue with nude magazines. I was on his side until I heard him talk, then I agreed with Cassia. Next week he is going to propose in an aquarium, it seems, and I sort of hope she says no and ends this charade so we can see more of Brett and Daya.

Shelf Life: milk that you left in the fridge while you went on vacation

Amy and Danny

After almost 30 days with Amy in America, Danny has finally realized they haven't been alone together yet. They go ice skating, which was my favorite date when I was their age. They both wear denim tops, which I was not and remain not into. It's cute, but apparently really hard for them to remain abstinent while they ice skate. They go back to Amy's place (AKA Danny's brother Nick's place) to watch a movie. Can we talk for a second about where Danny lives? Why don't they ever go there? Do they literally have to be at the brother's house so they won't have sex? As I'm thinking this, Nick comes in, interrupts their movie. Sits between them and does a virginity check. He, too, wants to be sure there was no sex while ice skating. It is even more uncomfortable than it sounds, and Amy looks disgusted.

 

Later, to make her even more wary of marrying into this family, Danny sits her down to explain that she'll get to meet his parents two days before the wedding. Also about his racist dad. It isn't clear if this is the first time they discuss this or if this conversation is for the camera. Danny says his dad's opinion doesn't change anything, and Amy obviously feels really sad that something so horrible and stupid could prevent her from being accepted by Danny's father.

Shelf Life: Twinkies (I know. I am a sap, but I can't help it! Even though I think Amy should run as fast as she can away from this family.)

 

 

Chelsea and Yamir

We join Chelsea and Yamir in an antique shop where they go looking for wedding bands. Since they have no money, this seems like a really prudent choice. Then it turns out that Chelsea has being dreaming of getting a vintage ring, and she didn't discuss this with Yamir in advance. Because of COURSE. If they had, they wouldn't be on this show. Yamir, since he has the taste of a pop star, (But not the money? What is this about?) wants a new ring instead. Frankly, men's rings are only as expensive as you want them to be, so this probably doesn't matter, and I think they spend too much time on it. Give us Daya and Brett instead!

 

Later, there is trouble in boy band paradise:  Yamir finds out his band had a concert without him. He and Chelsea are SHOCKED! This makes zero sense, since he seemed to have left on really bad terms. Gabriel basically accused Chelsea of being a Yoko, and they know Yamir can't go back to Nicaragua until he has his green card, which can take a pretty long time for everything to go through. If they didn't have a clear plan before leaving, why would Chelsea and Yamir think this was on hold? Also, if they were so successful, why doesn't Yamir have any money? Maybe this is for the best. Flying back and forth to be in a band that doesn't make money seems like a waste of resources.

Shelf Life: GO-gurt

 

 

Evelin and Justin

We join Evelin and Justin out to lunch with his mom, who is trying to explain why everyone was so shocked at the pool party. She explains that Justin is an idiot. Evelin tries to deal with her idiot fiancé, and win over the mom. She succeeds, because of course, she is super genuine and nice. Justin's mom starts to cry and begs Justin to talk to his brother, Jake, who wants an explanation. The two guys go do sports bonding to work it out. Justin, we found out, not only didn't tell his family about Evelin, he also didn't respond to his brother's calls and texts after the introduction. What a fool. Who WOULDN'T be pissed in this situation? His bro is totally hurt that he kept this girl a secret. He is so full of common sense, and we have to assume that Justin was dropped on his head as an infant. Justin invites his brother and sister-in-law to dinner, "We can give you a taste of Colombian flavor," which I assume just means he will make Evelin cook and do dishes after. Please Evelin, don't do this!

Shelf Life: Bread and butter pickles (bad to begin with)


Coming up next week...

Amy goes dress shopping with her charming mom.

Daya gets locked out of the house by a small child, leaving her alone with her flawed diamond.

Justin tells his brother, still hurt from being excluded from his life, that family isn't invited to the wedding.

 

*False.

90 Day Fiancé - Touchdown!

Well, to be frank, this week's 90 Day Fiancé  was a bit of a snooze fest. We were given a taste of what these foreign fiancés are going through as they try to fill their time home all day (when they aren't crying and face timing their parents). This season, following six couples rather than the four last season, definitely jumps around a lot more. Evelin and Justin weren't included, so I am assuming she's stuck doing all of their dishes as Jason watches TV and hides her from other people he knows.

Danielle and Mohammed
The episode starts off with Danielle bringing her three teenage daughters to what looks like a David's Bridal to try on wedding dresses. Her daughters, normal teens who are watching their mother shop, are SUPER harsh. "That one reminds me of Shrek." Ouch. Finally they find a dress that all of them agree on (I also liked the light blue belt, in case you care, Danielle), only to find out that it's almost $250 more than her $500 budget. How we, the viewers, know Danielle's budget while the sales associates at David's Bridal aren't aware of it is beyond me. I've shopped there with friends, and the budget is addressed first thing. They know that can't upsell most ladies 50% more, so I'm pretty curious on the backstory here.

Meanwhile, Mohammed wanders around Norwalk, OH, which the B roll shows as a farm with a large silo. Danielle does have a job after all, so he is left to himself for the day. Mohammed ends up in a park where a bunch of guys playing football say they need another guy to play. There is no doubt in my mind that these guys are being paid by TLC. It's the middle of a workday, and the guys both have time to explain the rules of football to a stranger and then bring him to a bar to be hit on by an unsavory and forward woman (who also happens to be on TLC's payroll). He tells us he doesn't like to flirt, but he doesn't seem to mind too much in the moment. Mohammed and Danielle aren't together at all basically the entire episode, and I'm not really sure what the point of all of this screen time was.
Celebrity marriage estiguess: Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher (6 years)

Cassia and Jason
We find Jason arriving at the Rio airport, wondering if Cassia is going to meet him or not. To TLC's credit, they don't play up the waiting and wondering in an airport suspense angle at all, and Cassia is there. As far as I can tell, Jason flew to Rio just to fly straight back to Florida with Cassia, since we don't see her family or anything. Cassia's hair is two different colors, and every time she is on screen, I'm debating if she decided to grow out her roots two years ago, or if she got two-tone hair on purpose. The jury is still out on this one.

They arrive at his house, where Jason's dad has arranged for a little welcome gathering. At first this seems really nice, until he tells us that since he knows Cassia is afraid of clowns, he got his friend to dress up in full clown costume. Unfortunately, she doesn't freak out. Like I said--snooze fest. This is also the first time Cassia realizes she is engaged to a hoarder. The pool we watched them clean last episode still resembles lime jello, and when Cassia comments on the flooring of the house we're supposed to find her unreasonable, but I just can't. I wouldn't want to live in that squalor either. To celebrate their new life together in America, Jason brings her to a salad bar. "Why people do it, I don't understand," she says. Me neither, Cassia. Over their dinner of iceberg lettuce and imitation bacon bits, Cassia asks Jason if he's thought about what would happen if this doesn't work out. "Nothing last forever," she tells the camera. Not a great start to their 90 days.
Celebrity marriage estiguess: Britney Spears and Jason Alexander (55 hours)

Amy and Danny

Once again, Amy and Danny are surrounded by other people. They go to a friend's barn to see if it would be an acceptable wedding venue. There are actual chickens inside, and any wedding held their would smell like manure. They both love it. One of the people showing them the barn (maybe Danny's brother? unclear), suggests they have a special draped off area where they consummate the marriage. How so many strangers comment in group settings about their virginity makes me feel super weird, so I can only guess how Amy feels. Then they go to the pastor's house for marriage counselling, where Danny is reminded that his bride-to-be moved across the world for him, so maybe he should see her without his entire posse from time to time.
Celebrity marriage estiguess: Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick (still going strong--what can I say, I believe in these two love birds!)

 

Chelsea and Yamir

Chelsea and Yamir fly into the U.S., where her parents are waiting for them. Yamir still doesn't speak English. Chelsea's parents don't speak Spanish. Back in Galesburg, he gets a tour of the house and sees that he'll get to live in the basement, which looks pretty nice.Yamir hasn't ever been in a basement, or seen a fireplace. He seems genuinely excited. At dinner, talking about the future with the 'rents, Mom suggests that Yamir get a job at a meat packing plant, "which hires a lot of Latinos." Deep swell of music from the show, but seriously, Yamir's face doesn't change at all, so I don't think he understands. Whenever his music career is mentioned, they show Yamir's music video, where his hair resembles Benji, the dog of our childhood. A job at the meat packing plant seems like a better option than his music career from that standpoint. Later, Yamir and Chelsea go to an open mic night where everyone plays rockabilly music. Chelsea wants Yamir to perform, Yamir knows it's not his crowd. They talk a lot about pizza, and nothing really happens.
Celebrity marriage estiguess: Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas (18 years)

Daya and Brett

The only real fun of this episode (by which I mean uncomfortable conflict looming) comes with Brett and Daya. Brett's mom is really worried that Daya is a gold digger. Since Brett lives in a house with roommates, where he shares a bed with both his wife-to-be and his young child, regardless of the authenticity of her diamond, there's not much gold to be dug. During this conversation, Brett is wearing a Jesus-themed Ed Hardy shirt, with giant crucifixes on it. The rest of their airtime is spent at a shady jewelry store (large "Cash 4 Gold" sign in the window). I cringe for Brett when he explains that his fiancé thinks he is a cheapskate liar. However, he says to the camera several times that he is nervous about what is going to happen, so I'm wondering if maybe the ring is from eBay? Daya tries says it isn't that she cares about the ring--it's more about Brett's reputation. No one believes her, especially Brett. Anyway, the jeweler looks through the microscope, pronounces the diamond real, and the upbeat music swells, as if all is right in the world. But then right outside, Daya still says she wants a new diamond. Ahhh love.
Celebrity marriage estiguess: Anna Nicole Smith and J. Howard Marshall (13 months)

Coming up next week...
Danielle cries.
Justin's mom tells us why everyone was surprised by his engagement to Evelin. (spoiler: because it was a surprise)
Chelsea and Yamir are shocked band members can be replaced, as if they didn't grow up with Destiny's Child.

 

 

90 Day Fiancé Primer

After blowing up my friends' Facebook newsfeeds for the past year with my musings on terrible TV programming*, I decided it was about time I took this to a blog so I could fully explore my own personal reality TV philosophy. What better show to begin with than 90 Day Fiancé? Season two just got started, and since I didn't get this idea until episode three, below you'll find a primer to catch you up on what you've missed thus far. (And I DO mean missed. If this is On Demand, it comes highly recommended by yours truly!)

The premise: If you fall in love with someone from a different country, to get married in the USA your fiancé comes over on a K-1 visa. This gives you 90 days in the states to get legally married or your betrothed gets the boot. Obviously, three months isn't a huge amount of time to adjust to a new culture, or to plan a wedding (although, it is PLENTY of time to go to the courthouse, but somehow that never comes up in this show). We'll follow six couples and their first 90 days together. Drama abounds, as well as tears. If we're lucky, a lot of "(s)he's just in it for a Green Card"-accusing relatives will keep things interesting.

The couples:
Daya and Brett
Brett and Daya met online, while Brett was specifically looking for a Filippina woman. Brett is a friendly, divorced dad who lives in Snohomish, Washington. He has two middle-aged, kindly lesbian roommates. His ex-wife has primary custody of their daughter, but she comes to live with him every summer. All of his friends appear to be chatty ladies who are twice his age, and who think he is crazy for bringing his internet girlfriend to the States. Daya is from San Carlos City, Philippines. She doesn't like mixed floral bouquets, and she doesn't believe that her engagement ring is actually a real diamond. (She made him take her to the jeweler to prove it.) They have just brought back Brett's daughter for the summer, and they're all living together in the same bedroom.

Chelsea and Yamir
Chelsea and Yamir  met while Chelsea was living in Nicaragua. Yamir is in the most famous Nicaraguan boy band (I have no idea how many there are in his country, but so far, his family doesn't seem to live in a pimped out house from the profits. So think closer to O-Town than One Direction.) Chelsea is from Galesburg, Illinois, where she is planning to bring Yamir home to her parents' house. Yamir barely speaks English, and so far we've mostly just seen him at band events, where his manager keeps telling Chelsea it's unfair to bring him to a small town in the Midwest, especially since he speaks no English. He isn't wrong. Chelsea just wants to be able to live somewhere where she can take a hot shower. She cries a lot. They have just said goodbye to Yamir's family and are about to get to America.

Danielle and Mohammed
Danielle and Mohammed, like Brett and Daya, met online. I have left out the ages of everyone else, but Danielle, 41, is a mom of at least four children, three of whom are her teenage daughters who live with Danielle in their small apartment in Norwalk, Ohio. They do not appear to have a car, even though this looks like a normal Midwestern town where you need a car. I can't tell if Danielle has a job. Mohamed is 26 and is from Tunisia. He seems perfectly nice, but I can't help but worry he is going to hook up with one of Danielle's daughters every time we see them. Danielle cries semi-constantly. She spent her last dollars visiting Mohamed in Tunisia and then flying him over. There is a large age and attractiveness gap between this couple. The entire first episode led us to believe that Mohamed didn't get on his connecting flight out of New York. Everyone thinks Danielle is going to get taken for a ride by Mohamed. Personally, I think they'll be married until he has his Green Card, if he can find anything to eat in Norwalk, OH (spoiler alert: he probably can't). This is the couple we're watching for. Normally, I'd be rooting for Danielle to find love and not get ripped off, but she is such a basket case, I'm more concerned her daughters come out of this relatively unscathed.

Cassia and Jason
Jason and Cassia met on Facebook when Cassia was dating one of Jason's friends, who was also in the military. They met in person when he went to visit her in Brazil. We haven't seen Cassia on camera really, and all we know is that she is prone to temper tantrums resembling those I threw when I was six. Jason lives with his father in their hoarders' paradise home in central Florida. Jason is going to fly to Brazil to pick up Cassia, who has threatened not to meet him there at all. She is described in a lot of different ways, that all equate to hot and volatile. Jason's dad thinks this is going to be a disaster, even though he's trying to be optimistic for his son. Stay tuned, I'm sure we have another airport suspense episode (a la Danielle weeping at the baggage claim) in our near future.

Evelin and Justin
Evelin and Justin met in Colombia when Justin travelled there for the rugby World Cup in 2011. His friends say that he was a womanizer, but since they met, Justin travelled to Colombia multiple times to visit Evelin. What he didn't do: tell anyone he was dating her. So Evelin arrives in California and finds out she is one big surprise. Her first real day in the States is spent doing Justin's dishes and meeting a friend who described Justin as "Hugh Hefner, Jr." I can only hope that Evelin really is just in this for a Green Card, because otherwise I'm worried about her self esteem. When Justin finally introduces her to his family, they are pretty nice, until he tells them all that this lady they haven't ever met is his fiancé. Cue the judgment. But you can hardly blame them--who keeps their girlfriend secret for years?

Amy and Danny
Amy and Danny met in Australia, while they were both studying abroad at Bible college. Before their time there was up, Danny proposed to Amy. They both are essentially fetuses, and you just keep hoping that things can work out for them. Danny is Mormon, and follows the 10 Commandments of Reality Television by making sure that we all know they are both virgins who have to wait until they are married to have sex. Like his 90 Day Fiancé Mormon ancestors before him, Danny and Amy do not move in together. Amy arrives from South Africa (she's from Cape Town), is brought to Danny's brother's house in middle-of-nowhere Pennsylvania. Neither of them seemed to realize that they will barely see each other. She sees more of his siblings than Danny her first day in town, and his brother once again makes it awkwardly clear that sex is not ok. What we haven't seen yet is Danny's racist dad. He is against inter-racial couples, so they have even more hurdles to get over than I can even contemplate.


Watch the show, and join me here for recaps! Each week, I'll be grading the couples' likelihood of making it past the 72-day mark of marriage. That all-important benchmark of American marriages made famous by Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries.


*Note: Facebook friends, this is  no guarantee that I won't continue to blow up your newsfeeds with inane thoughts.